HEADLINES

 Greenland ignores Vance texts, so VP just ‘shows up’ at Greenland's favourite bar.

 Hegseth includes ‘Dial-a-Bottle’ in war plan group chat.

 Canada offers ‘Emergency Egg drop’ over Whitehouse.

Poilievre found twitching in glue trap. “Squeaking became unbearable” say neighbours. 

25% ‘measle tariff’ goes into effect at midnight. 

Ottawa announces state of the art high-speed rail, to be built long after you’re dead. 

 ‘American credibility’ to be included at Oscars - In Memoriam segment.

 Hegseth says Ukraine can join NATO if it can out-drink him.

 MAGA wannabe crushed by falling chunk of irony.

Canada appoints Burton Cummings as ‘fentanyl czar.’ 

Canada turns off Bronzer pipeline, Trump lifts tariffs.