Toronto –

 

The beleaguered Toronto Transit System has been dealt another security issue, packs of Wolverines that have the capability to shoot laser from their eyes have been attacking riders. “It’s particularly unusual because Wolverines are generally loners.” Said Elizabeth Munson, an animal behaviorist. “They are the largest member of the Mustelidae family but unlike their cousins the ferret and otter, they are not social, so having them on a transit system that carries millions of people a year is special, I must say we are pretty excited. Not sure what’s up with the laser thing, we’re looking into it.” TTC patrons are being warned not to approach the Wolverines and to phone the transit hotline if they survive an encounter.