Paris -

 

“Canada is done fucking around! We’re here to win! Deal with it!” Said an anonymous source within Canada’s Coaching staff. “It’s hard to point the finger when you’re missing a couple of digits!” Earlier this week after the drone scandal surrounding Canada's Olympic Women’s soccer team, it was discovered that dozens of starving piranhas were leaked into the New Zealand teams practice area... of course, all eyes are on Canada. Where they got the piranhas is a mystery, but many of Canada’s swimmers were seen in an illegal underground Paris nightclub called ‘Les Poison Des Miserable’ two nights before the games began. “Purchasing exotic fish in itself is an actionable offence” - said a spokesperson for the International Olympic Committee. “Let alone using them to gain advantage in competition.” The plan did backfire, New Zealand’s swim team train in ocean water that is rife with every imaginable marine apex predator. Most of the piranha were speared and BBQ’d.