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 Quebec’s Couche-Tard bids to take over 7-11... also has no regrets about calling itself “Couche-Tard.”

 Assembling IKEA furniture hungover new event at 2028 Olympics.

 18 million in bonuses handed out to CBC executives spent mostly on decent cable packages.

Olympian who swam in the Seine disqualified after growing extra arm. 

 Canada’s Olympic Swim Team release piranhas in opponents training pool.

 All Toronto businesses slated to become Pot-Stores by 2028.

 Toronto landlord raises rent on flooded apartment citing 'Pool Privileges.'

Ford launches ‘Beer for Kids’ program. 

 WestJet to offer wrenches to passengers during mechanic’s strike... for a fee.

 Nova Scotia tourism desperately trying to market Great White Sharks as quaint and down-homey.

 Trump’s VP pick dies after prison attack.

 Ford Government to build coal-fired ‘Beer Cannons’ in Ontario parks.

 Conservative backbenchers call for mandatory electro-shock therapy for contrary women.

 Tim Horton’s ‘Pufferfish Wraps’ not selling.

 Liberals announce cash airdrops hoping to boost poll numbers.

 Liberals spend 100 million on handy new ‘All-in-one Scandal-app.’

 Ford delays EV battery production until Ontario becomes charred Hellscape.

Carbon Tax, Alcohol prices...and MP salaries all go up today. 

Trudeau deeply concerned Haiti close to his favourite vacation spots.